Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.