Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can

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*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*


I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.


BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great


Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?


Me: I love you, too…umm…

[Wife says her name]

Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.


Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond


I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.


Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?





Husband: I think we need to move


It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.


Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN