I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
You Might Also Like
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”