@ATXBOSS

Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can

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@MizzusT

Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@okimstillhungry

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

@GrantTanaka

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

@joelycett

Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’

@caliluvgirl77

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

@thedad

Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC