*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
You Might Also Like
I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!
Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?
Me: I love you, too…umm…
[Wife says her name]
Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?
Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line
Wife: you mean the self check out line?
Husband: I think we need to move
It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.
Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN