Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.