wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?