Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

You Might Also Like


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no


I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.


I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.


Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately


just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch


[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom


I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.


[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?