Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
#Caturday
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
#Caturday
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.