Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
This a good idea
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…