Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
😍😂🥰😂😍
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.