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@click4amanda

Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”

@mrjohndarby

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

@ArfMeasures

[court]
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@LittleMissAngr1

I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.