Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”
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Jim Morrison is dead.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
best sunscreen ever… Xbox 360
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.