Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.