everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Realize this:
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
12653.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier