Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”