Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
relationship goals
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question