My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.