No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Everyone wanted to go viral so bad.
Universe: You got it.
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.
I need a drink.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn’t realise he planned to be that person