Everyone wanted to go viral so bad.

Universe: You got it.

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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.


Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?


Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.


My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.


I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.


I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.


If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.


My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn’t realise he planned to be that person