@jdforshort

Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble

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@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@Ivsy01

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@hog_mild

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

@RidiculousSheri

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.