establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
How to spot a meth lab.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.