Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble

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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.


Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.


idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go


Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?


The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.