Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?