Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.