@ObscureGent

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

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@sonictyrant

Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again

@StevieKnip

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

@EmberToAsh

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

@PerfectPending

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

@DaddyJew

At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol

@Parkerlawyer

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer