Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Rage eats candy
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer