Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.