If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
I asked her if she thought I was weird
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
My boss said to “treat customers like you treat your mother”, so I haven’t answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.