Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.


Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.


Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.


McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?


HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps


Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules


Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.


Coworker: Summer plans?
Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore
CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses?
Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea