Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.


me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*


[on phone with mom]
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up


[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”


Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver


Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school


Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?


These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.


Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.


*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!


My boss said to “treat customers like you treat your mother”, so I haven’t answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.