Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Doggies just call it style.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.