Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your r茅sum茅 said you were a surgeon
ME: My r茅sum茅 says a lot of things
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
my professor scared me for a second
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I鈥檝e never learned anything from a good decision.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 馃
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Scientist: we鈥檙e approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Toddlers wait until you鈥檙e at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I鈥檇 go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*