Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me too
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
🤭😂
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka