Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Yes, I’d like to return this pizza
“is there a problem, sir?”
*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON
“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus