@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

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@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

@helenrclarkson

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@KeetPotato

Yes, I’d like to return this pizza

“is there a problem, sir?”

*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON

“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

@DrakeGatsby

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus