Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I have a black belt in leather
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.