Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*adds resume embellisher to resume*