Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.