everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????