Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
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If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Nice try Hitler
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.