Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
That’s fair
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.