Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
i did the math
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?