@ilovepie84

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to run in flip flops

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@ABC

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

@EllaZee5

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@AntiSemanticShw

I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”

@Geanina_26K

I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it

@skedaddle74

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

@RadBadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.