Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Time heals everything 🙂
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”