@noog

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

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@geekysteven

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

@Tommytoughstuff

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

@Gupton68

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

@RunOldMan

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

@ndchiappini

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority