Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

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A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”


Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”


[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”


me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you


When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest



“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority