@noog

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

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@MrAaronAbrams

I don’t get why I’m supposed to like someone who’s different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@Darlainky

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@alexmeyerrr

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

@pixelatedboat

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead