Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You Might Also Like
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The absolute effort that went into this omg
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.