*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.