I fed the cows marijuana.
The steaks have never been higher.
everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
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*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*sets phone on fire*
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.