everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.


I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary


Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.


Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR


How did you find me??
Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.


*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this


Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”



When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier