@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

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@Dani_Feld

I fed the cows marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

@AnnietheNanny1

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@daemonic3

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

@meechonmars

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

@amphy1981

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.