Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
gm
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.