@pilau

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

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@2Saddington

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

@DoubtTommy

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.