Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun


Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.


My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!


My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions


Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.