Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You Might Also Like
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”