This did not end as expected.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.