Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Dolls on drugs
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.