@eeberquist

everyone’s anti-godzilla until there’s a 200,000 ton boat that can’t be moved

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@collinwithtwoLs

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…

@dadmann_walking

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

@hippieswordfish

*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

@robfromonline

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@mommajessiec

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

@WigCannon

how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink

@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

@LauraBenanti

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.