Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away