Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Everyone’s judging my ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ tattoo. This is not how this was meant to go down.
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Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
him: hey have you ever seen house
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“We have one theory”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh