Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.