@prufrockluvsong

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

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@junejuly12

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

@JordanPeele

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

@PyrBliss

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

@DadandBuried

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

@SarahR_82

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.