@prufrockluvsong
@junejuly12
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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@junejuly12
@JordanPeele
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
@PyrBliss
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
@pleatedjeans
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
@GeauxSaints79
In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.
@Squeeb_Slayer
Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”
@DadandBuried
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
@Its_Miss_Riss
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
@ravenswng_
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
@SarahR_82
That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.