@prufrockluvsong

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

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@subtweetopath

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

@CrabbyDaCrab

2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

@QwertyJones3

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@ebruenig

Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope

Elrond: Have you seen their tweets

@kwirkyKerri

Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”