@prufrockluvsong
@BatBatshitcrazy
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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@BatBatshitcrazy
@subtweetopath
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
@CrabbyDaCrab
2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.
@markydoodoo
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
@QwertyJones3
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
@TheHyyyype
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
@ebruenig
Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope
Elrond: Have you seen their tweets
@WilliamAder
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
@kwirkyKerri
Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.
@daniel_shaw
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”