Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

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“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”


Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!


Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …


support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*


if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you


*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy


I wouldn’t take a bullet for you but I’d definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.


Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?