Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
You Might Also Like
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.