“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.