Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam