Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
The glory of fall.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Well, shit
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.