Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.


God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be


I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.


two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer


Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.


Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance


I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.


i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels


Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.


Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder