IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*aggressively waits in line*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me trying to “trust the process”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.