you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
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A great tip. #CakeRex
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.