@drinksmcgee

Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

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@PissAndry

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

@vapidcontent

accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”

@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

@CuddleYourCat

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

@Contwixt

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

@mjkspeaks

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

@Be___Dope

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

@Stellacopter

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

@NikiWithIssues

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore