Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!


accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”


My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.


If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.


Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.


Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”


Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside


When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”


It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore