@AbbyHasIssues
@IdiotOlympics
No words… #IdiotOlympics
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@IdiotOlympics
@SarahKSilverman
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
@TheBoydP
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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@OMGSoOverIt
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
@jaboukie
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
@WGladstone
Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.
@Scarlet_Rose67
My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.
@urmumsausername
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
@NakedHangover
Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
@robyn_vo
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.