@AbbyHasIssues

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

You Might Also Like

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@TheBoydP

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

@OMGSoOverIt

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

@jaboukie

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

@WGladstone

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

@Scarlet_Rose67

My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

@urmumsausername

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

@NakedHangover

Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.