Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”





[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]





I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …


anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death


Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.


My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.


I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.


Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.


People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.