“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated