Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
this is the best interaction on twitter