Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.


-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.


Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*


First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer


i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”


If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper