When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper