Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not