When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
This week’s mood.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented